Sunday, 7 December 2014

How To Fail At Christmas

I have this brilliant picture from years ago that I am dying to use on a blog post. It was a winters night and I had been on a student night out. It had snowed so it was pretty darn cold and therefore we came home early after realising cheap alcohol and sticky clubs were not worth the sub zero temperature and promise of hypothermia. I decided to remove my tights in the living room (Yes I had worn tights as I am sensible like that). I completely slipped in the process and fell over, tights half off. My housemate caught the whole thing on camera and so I have a spectacular photo of myself lay on the floor laughing my head off with a pair of tights in the air. I mean, does that not just sum up this whole blog in a nutshell?! However I don't think it's quite professional to publicly air such a photo so I shall save it for another day...
Anyway, I wanted kick off the festive fun on my blog as we're finally in December! No shit Sherlock I know but yeah there you go. I reread my Christmas movies blog post from last year and lolled my socks off. I was quite the blogger back then...not. I will be expanding on that in a week or so but yeah lets kick off the festive fun by blogging about how much of walking disaster I am, seasonal style! I mean, you know how I cock up on a regular basis? Well if you don't you're clearly are new here. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I make Bridget Jones look like as graceful as Kate Middleton. Yehuh. So here is how I do this during the festive season: 

I could have approached my first Christmas post by blogging the crap out of a seasonal Yankee candle or Starbucks cup but instead I happily take the piss out of all of my flaws for the entertainment of my blog readers. I could also take picturesque photos of Christmas decorations and trees or frosty mornings and festive activities but no, I stick a woolly hat on my laptop and call it blog content. Enjoy.

This is probably the biggest fail of all. We're about 2 and a half weeks away from Christmas and within the past 3 weeks I have spent more money on myself then anyone else. From Michael Kors handbags (to add to my already massive collection) to pretty dresses to designer coats. I HAVE A PROBLEM PEOPLE. Every time I go out with the intention to buy Christmas presents I come home with a new outfit and no Christmas presents. Santa mate, you're gonna have to get off your arse and take over for me this year. 

Me and the girls at work have spent weeks discussing Christmas party outfits. Obviously as it is Christmas you want to get that extra special dress for the occasion. I have been in every, and I am not exaggerating (really I am not), every high street store ever and I cannot find a dress! According to British Christmas fashion this year it's either go as a sparkly porn star or a velvet sausage in a midi dress. I mean, without sounding too much like your mother, is it possible to buy a dress that doesn't partake as a top or a belt?! I want length and sophistication people! When I am stumbling all over the shop smashed out my face I want to look classy as I do it!

General Accidents
I am on top form this year I must admit. I am not that clumsy normally but I seem to be particularly outdoing myself this year. I am like Bambi on ice. This week I slipped down the office stairs (cringe for me), tripped up on my way home from work and the best was last night when I drunkenly stumbled home on the phone to my friend and walked into a car. And not just a small car, I mean a full on big ass white Nissan Juke. I proceeded to rant to my friend about how outrageous it was that there was a car in my way. How I woke up in my own bed this morning I just don't know. Let's just say, as soon as the proper snow and ice hits, I can predict an over night stay in A&E for sure...

I am such a sucker for a pretty Christmas advert or product. I bought a tin of M&S shortbread biscuits today purely because the tin had a scotty dog on it. If that's not an easy sell I don't know what is. I am defintiely the person John Lewis aims all their Christmas crap at because I fall for it everytime.
And there we have it, the many ways I fail at Christmas. I wanted to hear your biggest Christmas fails and get a whole Christmas failure discussion going so shout if you too can cock up like no other. If I am honest I have really held back. I could have told you about the great Christmas holidays of 2012 when I spent a good 7 days being drunk, destroying the family Christmas tree and bringing disgrace to the family name. What can I say, it's a none stop festive party when I am about. Promise I have matured a little since then...

And in the words of Miranda Lambert:
'Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady' - working on it!

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