Monday, 31 March 2014

How To Not Get Hired...

Well...I might as well make light hearted humour out of graduate misfortune...

My dog is on team graduate

Step 1: Apply for a qualification that you can't actually afford. It's okay though, you will get a loan that you must pay back as soon as you get hired....oh wait...

Tips: Similar great ways to use such large amounts of money are:

  • Setting it on fire
  • Flushing it down the toilet
  • Misplacing it in a busy location..somewhere like a city
  • Knock on Number 10 and hand it over with a 'Thank You' card.

Step 2: Spend 3-4 years paying rent for moldy, health hazard accommodation you're rarely going to use. 

Step 3: Move all of your life belongings half way across the country several times a year to said moldy accommodation you're not using.

Step 4: Spend 80% of your time in your university library, rarely seeing daylight and kennel guarding your favorite table and seat.

Tips: Great things to do whilst in the library
  • Gain at least one stone from vending machines and cafes
  • Cry in the toilets about your disastrous degree
  • Cry in your study spot so dramatically you scare away other disruptive students around you
  • Sleep, after all, you are there more then you are at home
Step 5: Waste numerous afternoons, ensuring you get behind with your workload, volunteering and being involved in extra curricular activities. After all, those employers REALLY value all that kind of stuff.

Step 6: Sign up to various graduate employment sites that promise to help you get hired by sending you at least three emails a day with graduate schemes you stand no chance in getting.

Step 7: Waste weekends constructing the perfect job application that states you swear to sell your soul for a low paid internship in the center of overpriced London. Make sure you get extra behind on that 10,000 word deadline you have coming up!

Step 8: Regularly check your emails to ensure you're giving your rejection emails full attention, and remember to drop your hopes down on the floor where you left your self-esteem.

Tips: At times like these I like to stock up on Ice Cream, Wine and Kleenex tissues so when you do get those delightful emails you've got something to cushion that blow.

Step 9: Question why you did Step 1.

Step 10: Repeat.

And remember:

I hope you enjoyed that as I really did. Obviously I don't mean to be so pessimistic but I thought I'd put a positive spin on a really bad situation that a lot of graduates are in. 


L.Bel xoxo

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