Thursday, 6 June 2013

The Confessions Of A Cat Waitress...

Tomorrow marks the end of the first week of my new summer job. What job is this you ask? I am now officially a human chew toy/doggy toilet/cat waitress. AKA I now work in a Kennels and Cattery.

'Awh, you get to work and play with all the cute puppies and kittens!' No. No I do not. If that's what crossed your mind, go and slap yourself and wake up from your dream world. This is reality. What I ACTUALLY do is get pushed and peed on by England's most loopy pets.

Starting a new job is absolutely terrifying. Especially as your previous experience of working in a supermarket (not mentioning any names but rhymes with fresco) crushed your soul for two years straight and therefore left you emotionally scarred over the prospect of ever working for anybody ever again...That's another story I'll enlighten you with another day...

So facing my fears of employment I bound straight into a job I can only describe as organised chaos. Complete chaos. You don't know the feeling of intimidation  until you're thrown into a room with 50 hungry and easily excitable dogs barking at you. I barely made it through day two without a complete meltdown.

I thought I'd tell you about my new roles:

1. Doggy Toilet
Within 30 minutes of my first day I was covered head to toe in doggy poo. Never in my life have I felt more glamorous. In the past 4 days, I've had so much poo wiped on me by excited dogs that it doesn't even phase me anymore. Literally. I just stand there and take it. I've accepted to the fact that I'm now going to smell like the wrong end of a dog for the rest of my summer holidays. Judge me.

2. Small horse walker.
Now don't get me wrong, I adore dogs. There all I ever talk about. The bigger the better. However, is it just me or are the majority of dogs in kennels actually secretly little horses in dog costumes?! The amount of dogs I've walked, or more like dogs that have walked me, that have been so big that when they've jumped up at me they successfully pin me to the walls or into their own mess (hence why I'm a doggy toilet). Nothing is more terrifying then a dog the size of a small horse running at you with no signs of stopping.

3. Cat Waitress.
I am not exaggerating. I walk into each individual pen and place a tray in front of each cat with a bowl of fresh food and water. I will also accept the names of 'Cat Server', 'Cat Slave' or 'Squire Girl'. I'm practically curtsying as I walk out. I fear my life has reached a new low.

4. Animal Bouncer.
An animals natural instinct when put in a caged environment is to get the hell out of there. Hence why all week I have been found wrestling cats back into pens and chasing dogs up kennel isles trying (more like begging) to get them back into their runs. The upside of my new job is that I'm exercising for the first time in my life. Oh how I miss the days of student slobbing in my pajamas.

So these are just a few of my new roles for summer. God knows if I will make it to September alive due to being eaten by a small horse or beaten by Lord Fluffy for not serving the right amount of tuna.

Wish me luck, tomorrow I am being placed on dogs all by myself to 'test' my new found skills. For someone like me this is a recipe for disaster as even with having a supervisor all week I have successfully let over 5 cats escape their pens, dropped water on numerous animals and misplaced numerous bowls of dog food.

I'm doomed.

L.Bel AKA Ace Ventura, Pet detective. xoxo

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